Review of Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How to Divorce with Grace, a Little Class, and a Lot of Common Sense (Hardcover)

A divorce is rarely a pleasant experience. And during the past several decades, more and more Americans are going through just that experience. Many factors are involved in the increase in divorces in the United States, but it seems today that the most common complaint of the spouses involved is that one of the parties to a marriage is no longer happy with the other partner. This is in contrast to the usual complaints in the past of adultery, desertion, abuse, alcoholism, and so forth, which were the main reasons for one of the spouses (usually the wife) to file for a divorce. Since the 1970s and the beginning of the "no-fault" divorce concept, divorces have been easier to obtain and the divorce statistics have risen. But a divorce, regardless of the cause or causes, remains a painful experience for most people.

This book by lawyer and human behavior expert Sam Margulies is primarily for men, hence its title. It is designed as a guidebook for men who may be facing a divorce or thinking about a divorce. Tragic and unpleasant as getting a divorce may be, Margulies argues that it is possible to have a "civilized" divorce without the rancor and pain usually accompanying that process. What? A civilized divorce? Yes, that is exactly what the author proposes and he shows how to go about it through the procedure known as "mediation." The advantage of mediation in a divorce proceeding is that, for the most part, mediation keeps the process largely out of the law courts and generally out of the hands of attorneys who depend on an adversarial method for resolving problems.

According to Margulies, "The divorce mediation movement . . . began in the late 1970s when a group of reform-minded lawyers began to collaborate with psychologists and family therapists who were appalled by the carnage they were witnessing in the divorce courts." Over the past ten years, this movement has acquired momentum although it was, in the beginning, received with great hostility by many members of the legal community. The author, who has acted as a mediator himself in thousands of divorce cases over the years, has organized this guidebook for those who seek, then, what he calls a "civilized" divorce, beginning with how to choose a mediator in the first place -- and he includes specific pointers on what to look for in a mediator when searching for one.

A "good" divorce can be distinguished from a bad one, says Margulies, by considering the following six criteria: (1) an emotional divorce occurs, that is, the parties are no longer emotionally tied to one another through negative emotions; (2) both parties rebuild their lives, that is, they have succeeded in building new lives for themselves; (3) both parties think the agreement is fair; (4) the former spouses are able to cooperate as parents; (5) the children are comfortable in each household; and (6) the former spouses can resolve disputes themselves or through further mediation, not having to resort to the legal system regarding problems in the future. If this sounds like an idealized situation, an impossible dream, an unachievable goal, the author assures us it is not, and he provides dozens of practical illustrations based on real people and real divorces with which he has been associated.

Although Margulies devotes an entire chapter to an overview of divorce law, the major thrust of his book is providing advice on settling a divorce through mediation, without getting into an unnecessary and painful legal mess. There is, for example, practical advice on how to negotiate with the other spouse, how to handle the important matters of child support and alimony, a whole chapter on budgets and possible financial entanglements, and even advice about the dos and don'ts of dating after the divorce. He gets very specific about what self-defeating behaviors to avoid during the mediation process, such as shaming and blaming, acting helpless and passive, being threatening and intimidating, making personal attacks, and cutting off communication with the other party. Furthermore, Margulies provides positive tips for helping the negotiation procedure to be successful, beginning with the initial invitation to your spouse to negotiate through mediation, and continuing with tidbits like "listen more than you talk"; "affirm conciliatory gestures" -- when your wife agrees to something you want, it is important to affirm her for doing so; "pay attention to your tone"; if you are attacked personally by your spouse, don't take the bait; acknowledge your mutual interests and focus on minimizing differences; and, above all, think on the future, not on the past.

This is exactly the book I wish someone had written and I had read when I went through my divorce over twenty-five years ago. According to the criteria for a "good" divorce listed by Margulies in the early part of his book, my divorce process was not good and the divorce was certainly not "civilized." The advice given in this book might have made a real difference if it had been available. Although I have always thought (and continue to think) that divorce is a terrible experience for anyone to go through, the fact is that it is a possible reality for all married couples and an all-too-common component of the American social fabric in this postmodern age. As tragic and undesirable as divorce may be, at least it can be rendered less painful and, yes!, even "civilized," if the advice in Margulies' book is taken to heart and seriously followed. Highly recommended for those (especially the male of the species) who may be faced with the reality of a divorce and also for those within the legal system who may be advising divorcing clients. There is a better way and Margulies offers it to the reader in an easy-to-read text and format.



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